


Almosts

by deletingpoint



Series: Tiny Pieces of Supernatural [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode: s13e13 Devil's Bargain, M/M, POV Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:24:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deletingpoint/pseuds/deletingpoint
Summary: inspired by https://silvie111.tumblr.com/post/171087288814/hes-not-fine-gneisscastiel-bend-me-shape-me





	Almosts

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by https://silvie111.tumblr.com/post/171087288814/hes-not-fine-gneisscastiel-bend-me-shape-me

 

“You’re not fine,” Dean’s words catch him by surprise. They’re in the middle of unknown land and have been searching for a way out for quite a while. Not really talking about anything else.

“What do you mean?”

Dean stops walking and watches him, not locking the eyes though.

Instead he reaches out and straightens the lapel of Cas’s trenchcoat. “You, uh, you missed to fix it,” Dean mumbles as he withdraws his hand too quickly for Cas to grab it. As if he’d been electrocuted. By Castiel.

“Oh. Thank you?”

“So, you’re not fine,” Dean goes on.

Cas sighs. “What do you want me to say? That I’m not fine? I can’t see how that could change or help anyone. That it hurt when you didn’t recognize it wasn’t me? That it,” he has to swallow his words, “that it hurt you didn’t look for me?” he says too much and still even more is left unsaid.

 

Dean swallows, his eyes full of moist and makes an abandoned move to grab Cas. Instead he stills, lips moving without saying anything. It’s infuriating and Cas doesn’t understand when the change happened. Dean used to touch him all the time, lingering his hands longer than for anyone else. He almost snaps, he almost grabs at Dean and forces him to touch him, to really look at him. But one look at Dean makes the thought disappear.

“Dean, it, it wasn’t you fault. I know that and I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t do that to yourself either, I...” I don’t like seeing you like this, your pain hurts me more than anything you do could ever hurt me. He leaves that part out. “Yes, it hurts, but neither of us was in control, stupid circumstances. And yes, maybe I’m not truly fine, but I am getting there. I will be fine, Dean.”

“Okay, okay,” Dean nods, a little bit of tension leaving his body, as if he’s almost believing Cas. It’s a relief. It gives Cas reason to smile a little. Dean’s eyes widen, he almost smiles himself. Finally their eyes meet and it’s like coming home. So close, and never close enough. Still, it will always be a blessing.

So, Cas doesn’t know why he has to ruin it with his next words. Maybe it’s the acceptance, the warmth, the invite in Dean’s eyes and he just can’t be silent. “In the Empty, I made a peace to myself and I’m glad. Whatever happens I’m glad I came back to you.” and that’s it. Dean closes off again, even worse than before. “To all of you, to this world,” he adds, hoping it would smooth his choice of words, but Dean is just shaking his head, looking anywhere but at Cas.

 

“Don’t,” he gets out and it sounds like a silent cry, a plea almost swallowed by the tiny voice.

“Dean? I,” he reaches out, all his senses telling him to comfort Dean, to touch him, but Dean steps back. Dean steps back from Castiel, scared. Scared of him? And that reminds too many times he’s hurt him. Still, even those times Dean rarely physically stepped back from him.

“Don’t touch me,” something in Castiel breaks. “Don’t, I, I can’t,” Dean is swallowing rapidly, his breathing coming close to panic. “I can’t go back there.” he manages to finish, almost crying. They have so many almosts, too many.

“Go where?” he asks before understanding. Go back to that time.

“Cas, you were dead. I, I had to… you were dead,” the whisper is so painful that Cas forgets and reaches out again. He shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, Dean doesn’t want him to and he almost withdraws, but to his surprise Dean suddenly grabs his waist and pulls him into a hug. Cas closes it, rubbing his hands tight on Dean’s back. It feels right. Painful and sad and overwhelming and impossible and shattering. And mending and full of heart and always so right.

There’s still more questions than answers, more left unsaid than said. Dean still refuses to look at him, hiding his face on Cas’s shoulder. But maybe it’s a start.

 

 


End file.
